My Dad, Ernest Derksen - 2011
My father, passed away Dec. 20, 2012. He was 97 years of age.
His passing was expected. Yet, despite that knowledge, when it happens it kind of knocks you sideways in unexpected ways.
There are the mixed feelings of sadness and celebration in his actual finally leaving this painful existence and entering his reward.
Then the realisation, that this is my last parent to pass on. Mother left us in Oct. of 2006. I am now truly without parents! I am an orphan! Even though Dad had had dementia for a few years and I'd said my "goodbyes" still, suddenly I felt so alone. Amazing the comfort of his just being there.
Then there was Christmas. Dad had left just in time for Christmas celebrations and instead of our tinsel and lights, he'd gone to see the real thing! Meanwhile we, here had to "celebrate"! His passing kind of muted all of that. Us trying to celebrate the "joy" of Christmas while your heart was so heavy. A truly conflicting experience.
Anther sign of grief, was the various troubling things that happened. Like suddenly my mind was not quite in gear. Probably, pre-occupied. So, things we commonly used went weirdly missing. Here are some things we heard ourselves say during this time, like "Where are my keys?" "I can't find my shoes, have you seen my shoes?" When I started up the car to leave for Saskatoon and the funeral, I inadvertently locked my keys into the car while it was running! I had no idea that was even possible, yet, inexplicably I had put it into neutral and the doors locked as I left the vehicle to warm up. (I'd just read somewhere that the car would warm up faster idling in neutral!) Had to call CAA and we left one hour later!
After we returned from Saskatoon, the funeral and family visiting, I felt absolutely listless and uninterested in doing much of anything. I just found myself unmotivated! For a few days there I was out of commission. I felt cold in a warm house wearing a sweater to stay warm. Once I even closed the living room curtains. Why? I don't know, probably ashamed, guilty, just wanting to shut out the world maybe. I began to wonder if I was simply depressed. Probably.
Also, this certainly brought my own mortality to the for-front. One day I would living in a nursing home, eating institutional food etc. I went about calculating how many years I might have left and so on. Normal I guess, but depressing for sure.
Alongside all of this, I was amazed at my father's legacy. I had the privilege and Honor to be asked by my family to do the "meditation" at the funeral. This certainly accelerated my working out his passing. It was a godsend actually as I tried to back up a bit and see the big picture of his life. What a message.
He was a "salt of the earth" kind of man. A simple farmer who was chosen by his father to forgo his education and work on the farm. So he went into life with a grade 6 education. Here's the thing, he never griped about that! Can you imagine what most of us would think if the education option was taken from our lives? Dad let it go, forgave, and gave his life to his Lord, allowing Him to guide and direct his life. As a result he lived a humble basic life of faithfulness to his God. He was not a theologian but he was faithful with the gifts he had and the disciplines of his faith. Bible reading, prayer, church fellowship, giving with joy both financially of of himself to help other in need. He was a "happy man" known as smiling Ernest in the community. His whole life was a lesson on how God's favour smiles on a person who loves his God to the best of his humble ability. Were all the wise and amazing decisions he made in the farming business and life accidental? Maybe innocent accidents? No way. The Bible says that the knowledge of God is the beginning of wisdom, and with his learning due to his disciplines plus the providential favour of God on his life, these were so obviously not accidental. So amazing. What a lesson for all of us.
Thanks Dad for the consistent and amazing message of a "Faithful life" well lived.
"Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." (CEB)
Proverbs 1:7
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